Here I am drunk again.
Clyde Beavers (1960).
Clyde Beavers: Here I Am Drunk Again sheet music is available for immediate download.
Here I Am Drunk Again-Clyde Beavers
Enjoy another great old song from the Mr. Honky Tonk library. Comin’ yer way ever whipstitch, hey and thanks fer listenin’.
Classic country fans? Who first recorded “Here I am I’m drunk again?It was not Moe Bandy
Clyde Beavers: Here I Am Drunk Again sheet music is available for immediate download.
Clyde Beavers had a hit with “Here I Am Drunk Again” in 1960. Webb Pierce’s version is on the album “Memory #1” from 1965.
Will I be struck down by lightning for telling this joke? Jesus walks into a hotel, plunks down a hammer and some nails and says to the innkeeper, “Can you put me up for the night?”
No, You are sitting at your puter, so you cannot be struck down as you are not standing. Oh yeah, fictional characters have horrible aim in the real world.
Man, if I were you, I’d put on some rubber shoes, and/or stay inside for a few days.. You’re begging for a bolt of lighting..
Well, are you still with us?But seriously, I think it’s OK because Jesus came back from the dead or whatever, right? If someone gets hurt and is OK, it’s fine to make fun of them.
I’m a Christian and that got a smile out of me. I wouldn’t tell it at my church this Saturday night, but I did smile. LOL!
You wont be struck down by lightning. however. The speech of men reflect the state of their hearts: “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned” (vs. 35-37). Have your words gotten you into trouble lately? Have you found recently your mouth to be uncontrollably speaking evil? Do not dismiss such lapses as merely “careless words”, for “out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” Rather, seek help from the Lord, by His Spirit, to heal your heart, and purify your mind, so that what comes out of your mouth may be pure grace.
funny but you can’t be stroke by lightning because of the jokeGod has strange tendency to never show up or make his presence know just like Santa but we know that both exist right
I have a jesus on the cross joke that is ten times (at least) worse than that and I have never been struck down.
I would not wish it on you, but neither would I go out of my way to prevent it. In any event, congratulations on your terrific sense of humor!
Of course you will not be. Did the innkeeper put him up that night? If he did, he will be struck by a lightning.
Jesus saves.and redeems your souls for valuable cashprizes!If Jesus really was a Jew, what’s up with the Latinoname?Jesus was supposed to be a carpenter and amiracle-worker.why couldn’t he do anything with those last threenails? What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? The painting is realJesus was at a disco and having trouble dancing, sohe says,”Help! I’ve risen and I can’t get down!”Jesus Christ walks into an inn. He hands theinnkeeper 3 nails and asks, “Can you put me up for the night?”If Jesus got killed with an axe, would the christiansrun around with axes around their neck?What did God say to Jesus?”I don’t care if you are my son, drop that cross onemore time, and you’re out of the parade.” No one knows what the “H” in “JESUS H. Christ” stoodfor.Haploid.Jesus Saves. But Gretzky gets the rebound. HeShoots. He SCOOORES!Why didn’t Jesus get into college?He got hung up on his boards.Let Jesus be your anchor! So when Satan rocks yourboat, throw Jesus overboard!What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture ofJesus?It only takes one nail to hang the picture.Why was Jesus born in a stable?Because Joseph belonged to an HMO.What did Jesus say before he fell on his face?Get away from here you damn beavers!What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting?You only need one nail to hold up a painting.Jesus Christ scurried into the carpenters shop andasked, “Father, did you call me?”Joseph replied, “No. I just hit my thumb with ahammer.”The three wise men approached the manger where thenewborn messiah rested. One of them tripped as he neared the infant,and in great pain yelled, “Jesus Christ!”Mary responded, “That’ll be a great name for thebaby.””Jesus is coming — grab a towel.””Jesus is coming. Quick, look busy!””Jesus is coming–and boy, is he pissed!””Jesus is coming.but I’m not swallowing””Jesus loves you, but personally I think you are anasshole.”Jesus, save me from your followersJesus saves.and redeems your souls for valuable cashprizes!If Jesus really was a Jew, what’s up with the Latinoname?Jesus was supposed to be a carpenter and amiracle-worker.why couldn’t he do anything with those last threenails?What did Jesus do between teaching at the temple atage 13 and gettingcrucified at age 33? (Hmm. anyone hear “sealed juvierecord?”)How many times did young Jesus scream at Joseph,”Yeah, well, you’re not my real dad!” ?Do you know why God created the world with his lefthand?Jesus was sitting on his right hand.The three wise men arrived to visit the child lyingin themanger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall,and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.”Jesus Christ!” he exclaimed.Joseph said, “Write that down, Mary; it’s betterthan Clyde!”A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of abar.A stranger comes by and asks if he’s O.K.The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?”The stranger says “No. Who are you?”The drunk proudly says “I’m Jesus Christ.and I canprove it! Come with me!”They enter the bar and the bartender looks up andyells”Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”Jesus saw a crowd chasing a woman to stone her andapproached them. “What’s going on here, anyway?” he asked.”This woman was found committing adultery and thelaw says weshould stone her!” one of the crowd responded.”Wait,” yelled Jesus, “Let he who is without sincast the first stone.”Suddenly, a stone came from out of the sky, andknocked the woman out cold.”Aw, c’mon, Dad,” Jesus cried, “I’m trying to make apoint here!”One day, Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem anddecided he really needed a new robe. After looking around, he saw a signfor “Finkelstein,the Tailor.” He went in and Finkelstein prepared anew robe for him which was a perfect fit.When Jesus asked how much he owed, Finkelsteinbrushed him off.”No, no, there’s no charge. But, may I ask a smallfavor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could mention a littlesomething about how your nice robe was prepared by Finkelstein theTailor.Jesus readily agreed and, as promised, pluggedFinkelstein’s robes every time he preached.Some months later, Jesus was wandering throughJerusalem and happenedby Finkelstein’s shop. He was amazed to see a hugeline of people waiting for Finkelstein’s robes. He pushed his waythrough the crowd to speak to Finkelstein himself.”Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you’ve been forbusiness,” gushed Finkelstein. “Would you consider a partnership?””Sure, sure,” replies Jesus. “Jesus & Finkelstein itis.””Uh, no,” says Finkelstein. “Finkelstein & Jesus”The two of them argued for some time about the name.Finally, they came to a compromise decision. “Lord & Taylor”A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Josephand Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.A small child replied, “They couldn’t get ababy-sitter.”A mother was watching her four year-old son playingoutside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He washappily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of thepool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.”Why are you pouring the water out, dear?” asked themother.”Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, andthis water won’t work,” he replied.A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would getthe first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a morallesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let mybrother have the first cake. I can wait.”Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan,you be Jesus!”A mother was watching her four year-old son playingoutside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He washappily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of thepool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.”Why are you pouring the water out, dear?” asked themother.”Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, andthis water won’t work,” he replied.The DJs (on radio station broadcast, late 1997) weretalkingabout how the vatican had its own website and what itwould offer.The conversation proceeded roughly as follows.Net News: The vatican has now gone on line with itsown interactive website. The site is said to offer manygreat new features, including a downloadable picture ofJesus Christwhich will bounce around your screen after a presetlength oftime. It has been christened the ‘screen saviour’.It was “sharing time” in a kindergarten full ofbright children. The teacher was presiding over a discussion about thechildren’s fathers and mothers.One child said, “Well, my mother’s a Catholic and myfather’sa Jew.””Oh, wow!” said another. “So what do you believe?””I believe in EVERYTHING!” said the first child.”What do you mean, everything?” asked another child.”Well, you know,” said the first child, “JesusChrist, Moses,Snow White.everything.”A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sundayafternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and standnext to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunkand says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”The drunk looks back and says, “Yess, Preacher..Isure am.”The minister then dunks the fellow under the waterand pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” thepreacher asked.”Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bitlonger, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you foundJesus?””Noooo, I did not Reverend.”The preacher in disgust holds the man under for atleast 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water andsays in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to thepreacher. “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”A man walked into a gift shop that sold religiousitems. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with “WWJD”printed on all ofthem. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean,but couldn’t figure it out, so he asked the clerk.The clerk replied that the letters stood for WhatWould Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rashdecisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the samesituation.The man thought a moment and then replied, “Well,I’m damn sure Jesus wouldn’t pay $17.95 for one of these caps.” Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of hisapostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of thehigh drug consumption problem all over the earth.After giving it much thought they reached theconclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that theyshould try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correctway to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commissionmade up of some of the members return to earth to get thedifferent types of drugs.The secret operation is effected and two days laterthecommissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:”Who is it?””It’s Paul”Jesus opens the door.”What did you bring Paul?””Hashish from Morocco””Very well son, come in.””Who is it?””It’s Mark”Jesus opens the door.”What did you bring Mark?””Marijuana from Colombia””Very well son, come in.””Who is it?””It’s Matthew”Jesus opens the door.”What did you bring Matthew ?””Cocaine from Bolivia””Very well son, come in.””Who is it?””It’s John”Jesus opens the door.”What did you bring John ?””Crack from New York””Very well son, come in.””Who is it?”It’s Luke”Jesus opens the door.”What did you bring Luke ?””Speed from Amsterdam””Very well son, come in.””Who is it?””It’s Judas”Jesus opens the door.”What did you bring Judas ?””The FBI, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THEWALL!”Four-year-old Tucker Jones attended the vacationBible school at our church. The theme was “Discipleship and SavingMother Earth.”His mother, Trish Jones, asked Tucker what he hadlearned. He immediately told her all bout “Jesus and the 12recycles.”The other day I went into the local religious bookstore, where I saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. Ibought it andput it on the back bumper of my car – and I’m reallyglad I did.What an uplifting experience followed!!I was stopped at a light in a busy intersection,just lost inthoughts of the Lord, and I didn’t notice that thelight hadchanged. That bumper sticker really worked!! I foundlots ofpeople who love Jesus.The guy behind be started to honk like crazy. Hemust really lovethe Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his windowand yelled”Jesus Christ!” as loud as he could. It was like afootball gamewith him shouting – “Go Jesus Christ ! GO!”Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned outof my windowand waved and smiled to all those loving people. Theremust havebeen a guy from Florida back there because I couldhear himyelling something about a “sunny beach”, and I saw himwaving ina funny way with his middle finger stuck up in theair. I asked my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked ateach other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian goodluck sight – so I leaned out the window and gave him the goodluck sign back.Several cars behind, a very nice large man steppedout of his car and yelled something. I couldn’t hear him verywell, but itsounded like “Mother Trucker”, or mothers from there.Maybe hewas from Florida too – He must really love the Lord.A couple of the people were so caught up in the joyof the momentthat they got out of their cars and were walkingtoward me. I betthey wanted to pray – but just then I noticed thelight hadchanged to yellow and I stepped on the gas. And a goodthing Idid, because I was the only driver to get across theintersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way outthe window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian goodluck sign as I drove away.Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are discussing howeach celebratesChristmas.The priest says, “We have a 12 o’clock high mass,then we go home and gather around the Christmas tree and sing ‘AveMaria’ “.The Minister says, “Our traditions are very similar.We have an 11 o’clock candlelight service, then gather around theChristmas Tree and sing ‘O Come all Ye Faithful'”.The rabbi says, “Well, we close the stores early,gather around cash register, and sing “What a Friend We Have inJesus.ConsultantsJerusalem,26544Jesus, Son of JosephWoodcrafters Carpenter ShopNazareth 25922Dear Sir:Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve menyou have pickedfor management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not onlyrun the results through our computer, but have also arranged personalinterviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocationalaptitude consultant.The profiles of all the tests are included, and youwill want to studyeach of them carefully.As part of our service and for your guidance, we makesome generalcomments much as an auditor will include some generalstatements. This is given as a result of staff consultation andcomes without any additional fee.It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees arelacking inbackground, education and vocational aptitude for thetype of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have theteam concept. We would recommend that you continue your search forpersons of experience in managerial ability and provencapability.Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fitsof temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. Thetwo brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personalinterest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioningattitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it isour duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the GreaterJerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, son of Alpheus, and Thaddaeusdefinitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a highscore on the manic-depressive scale.One of the candidates, however, shows great potential.He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, hasa keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highlymotivated, ambitious, and responsible. We recommend JudasIscariot as your controller and right-hand man. All of the otherprofiles are self- explanatory.We wish you every success in your new venture.Sincerely yours,Jordan Management ConsultantsJordan Management A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and isimmediately swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the PearlyGates, and says, “Hello, Father, we’ve been waiting for you for along time. Welcome to Heaven!””You are very well known here, and as a specialreward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we’re going togrant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grantyou?””Well,” the priest says, “I’ve always been a greatadmirer of the Virgin Mother. I’ve always wanted to talk to her.”St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo andbehold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!The priest is beside is himself, and he manages tosay, “Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and havestudied everything I could about you and followed your life as best Icould. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you,and I’ve noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad lookon your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made yousad. Would you please tell me?””Honestly?” with a little pained grimace on herface. “Well, I was really hoping for a girl.”A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night hismother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama,I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “Youdon’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is outthere. He’ll look after you and protect you.”The little boy looked at his mother real hard andasked, “Are you sure he’s out there?””Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is alwaysready to help you when you need him,” she said.The little boy thought about that for a minute andthen went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out intothe darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you pleasehand me the broom?”After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks ofhospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours tolive. He immediatelycalled his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He askedthe doctor tostand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to standby the other.After standing for some time, the doctor asked “Whatdo you want meto do?””Nothing. Just stand there.”A while later, the lawyer asked “What do you want meto do?””Nothing. Just stand there.”As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyerwatched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctorand the lawyeragain asked, “Why are we standing here?””Well,” said the old man, “Christ died between twothieves, so I thought I’d do the same!A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers wasconcerned that hisstudents might be a little confused about Jesus Christbecause ofthe Christmas season emphasis on His birth.He wanted to make sure they understood that thebirth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So heasked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven!”Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart!”Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurtedout, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!”The whole class got very quiet, looked at theteacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at aloss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his witsand asked Little Johnny how he knew this.Little Johnny replied, “Well, every morning myfather gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ,are you still in there?’!”A pastor was addressing the children during theChristmas service.”Who is the mother of Jesus?” he asked them.Without hesitation, dozens of tiny voices chorusedback “Mary.””That’s right. Now who can tell me who is thefather of Jesus?”There was quiet and fidgeting. After all, no onetold them therewas going to be a quiz.Then a young girl spoke up. With assurance, sheboldly announced,”I know! It’s Virg.”After two more seconds of silence the entirecommunity erupted in laughter.The young girl blushed but nevertheless continued,”Of course.We all know it was Virg ‘n Mary.Jesus Christ? Hmmm.name rings a bell. Wasn’t hethe guy who never married, never even dated, as far we know,although he was over 30? And didn’t he spend all his time hanging outwith adozen other *guys*, one of whom he called “Beloved” inpublic?A-a-actually. As I remember from assortedindependent studies, it’s been worked out that the wedding when JC turnedthe water into wine was his, and he was marrying Mary Magdalene – ahooker. So, really, JC was a boozer who married a hooker; and hisbest friendswere fishermen and such.Jesus was a biker!So Jesus is being cruified, and he’s hanging on thecross, when a small child runs out from the crowd, clambers up thecross and pullsthe nail from Jesus’ hand.”Thank you my child,” Jesus says, “You will berewarded in Heaven”.A second child in the crowd hears this, and thinkinghe would alsolike some heavenly reward, he climbs the other side ofthe cross andpulls the nail from Jesus’ other hand.”You bastard!” says Jesus as he slowly begins tofall forwards.A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. Heasked his father,who was a minister, if they could discuss his use ofthe car. His fathersaid to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bringyour grades up, studyyour bible a little, and get your hair cut, then wewill talk about it”A month later the boy came back and again asked hisfather if theycould discuss his use of the car.His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. Youhave brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, butyou didn’t get hair cut!”The young man waited a moment and replied, “You knowdad, I’ve beenthinking about that. You know Samson had long hair,Moses had long hair,Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”His father replied, “Yes son, and they walkedeverywhere they went!”Jesus is walking through the village when he sees abunch of peopleabout to stone a woman for prostitution. He crouchesdown and starts to draw in the sand with a stick, then he says to thecrowd, let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone.The villagers all start to drop their stones andwalk away.Suddenly a great big rock comes flying through the airand smacks thewoman on the side of the head killing her on the spot.Jesus throws his stick down and says, “Mother,sometimes you reallypiss me off.Late one night, a burglar broke into a house hethought was empty.He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly hefroze in his trackswhen he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watchingyou!”Silence returned to the house, so the burglar creptforward again.”Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in thecage was a parrot.He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus iswatching me?””Yes”, said the parrot.The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and askedthe parrot,”What’s your name?””Clarence,” said the bird.”That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered theburglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”The parrot said, “The same idiot who named theRottweiller Jesus.”The bartender was washing his glasses, when anelderly man came in. With great difficulty, the old man hoisted his badleg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and askedfor a sip of whiskey.He looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus downthere?”The bartender nodded, so the old man told him togive Jesus a whiskey too.The next patron to come in was ailing with a hunchedback, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool andasked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar andasked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. Thebartender nodded, so he said to give Jesus a glass of Chianti, too.The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, whoswaggeredinto the bar and hollered, “Barkeep, set me up a coldone! Hey,is that God’s Boy down there?”The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to giveJesus a cold one, too.As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the oldman andtouched him and said, “For your kindness, you arehealed!”The old man felt the strength come back to his leg,so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus then touched the second man and said, “Foryour kindness,you are healed!”The man felt his back straighten, so he raised hishands above his head and did a flip out the door.Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneckjumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawingdisability!”Jesus’ Report card from grade school .SUBJECT GRADE TEACHERS COMMENTReligion D To the question “Who madethe world?”persisted in answering ‘Mydad’. Claims bibleoriginated from the samesource.English D+ Tends to speak and write inarchaic forms anduses outmoded figures ofspeech.History A Excellent pupil of ancientand ReligiousHistory.Geography C- Assignment on ‘Hot, drylands’ was excellent,but shows little interestin the rest. Ingeology, keeps talkingabout the Rock of Agesinstead of the ages ofRock.Social B+ Shows keen interest insocial issues.StudiesMathematics E Lacks basics. Keepsmuttering about’Three in one’ and ‘I andthe father areone’.General D Lacks discipline – e.g.,when asked to repeatScience the experiment for makinghydrogen, claimshe knew a better way.Graphic D Prefers to draw with astick in the sandCommunication to pencil and paper.Consumer C+ Interesting ideas aboutalternative lifeEducation style: Something aboutliving like sparrowsand lilies of thefields.too impractical.Art Craft B Obviously has imaginationand creativity,a good potter – likesworking with dirtand water.Material A Excellent in woodworksection. ObviouslyStudies receives help andstimulation at home.Music/ B+ A keen member of the schoolchoir. OnDrama occasions can befrighteningly dramatic.Community A Keen and interested in allaspects ofLiving community.Physical D- A trouble maker e.g. duringthe learn-to-swimEducation campaign insisted on tryingto walk acrossthe pool.Health A Shows a remarkable aptitudefor first aidClasses and knowledge of the body.CLASS TEACHERS COMMENT: This boy has a very unhealthytendency to formgangs. He has organized twelve of his friends into agang and is seenconstantly in the company of the children of publicansand sinners. Heneeds to be more selective in his choice of friends. Also, he shouldlearn to keep his hair at a tidy length and not wearsandals with theschool uniform.Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argumentabout who was better on his computer.They had been going at it for days, and God wastired of hearingall of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it. Iam going to setup a test that will run two hours and I will judge whodoes the betterjob.”So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards andtyped away. Theymoused around. They did spreadsheets. They wrotereports. They sentfaxes. They sent e-mail. They sent e-mail withattachments. Theydownloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They madecards. Theyauthored their own web sites and uploaded them to theserver. Theydid every known task.About ten minutes before their time was up,lightning flashedacross the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and,of course, the electricity went off.Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed everycurse wordknown in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Theelectricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted theircomputers. Satanstarted searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone!It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all ofhis files fromthe past two hours.Satan observed this and became very irate, “Wait! Hemust have cheated. How did he do that?”God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”Things that would be different if the Twelve Discipleswere Gay:Less “Sermons on the Mount”, more “Musicals”.Jesus wouldn’t wear a white robe after Labor Day.Priests would not get married. wait a minute.Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.Virgin Mary’s hair would be flawless.Would not have chased money changers out of thetemple–they would have redecorated.Turn water into dry martinis with just a splash ofcuracao for color.Triumphant Entry just screams for a Drag number.Replace the Beatitudes with “Fabulous are they.”Instead of the Last Supper, it would have been theLast Brunch with a cabaret.One day, while Michelangelo was painting the ceilingof the SistineChapel, he grew terribly bored. Suddenly, in walks anolder Italian women who kneels down to pray. Michelangelo decides tomess with her. From the scaffolding high above where the woman couldnot see him, Michelangelo said, “This is Jesus Christ!” But the woman ignored him and continued to pray.Michelangelo repeated a little louder, “This is Jesus Christ!”But the woman continued to pray.”I said, this is Jesus Christ!”, Michelangelo nowscreamed.To this the woman replied, “Shut up you. I’matalkin’ to your Mama.” One day little Johnny asked his mother for a newbike. His mothersaid, “At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to askfor what youwant, don’t you?””Yes,” replied Johnny, “but it isn’t Christmas.”His mother said, “Yes, but you can send a letter toJesus and ask him.”Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started hisletter:Dear Jesus,I’ve been a good boy and I would like a new bike.Your Friend,JohnnyHe thought about this and decided to start a newletter.Dear Jesus,Sometimes I’m a good boy and I would like a newbike.He thought about this and decided to write anotherletter.Dear Jesus,I thought about being a good boy and I would like anew bike.He thought about this and decided that he didn’tlike that one either. He left and went walking around depressed whenhe went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard.He picked up the statue and hurried home. He put the statueunder the bed and started his new letter.Dear Jesus,If you want to see your mother again, send me a newbike!Your Friend,JohnnyChrist is on the cross, and Peter is down the hillcomforting Mary Magdalene when he hears in a faint voice,”Peter.Peter.”Peter said to Mary, “I must go and help my Savior.”And he went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down bythe Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears,”Peter.Peter” in even fainter tones, and he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill leans a ladder against the cross, and ishalfway up when the Centurions knock over the ladder, beat himbrutally, and toss him back down the hill.Again he hears, “Peter.Peter.” ever fainter, andhe cannot sit idle. He staggers up the hill, drags himself up theladder, and finally gets even with Christ’s face.Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder,Christ says, “Peter.Peter.I can see your house from here.”As a child, Jesus asked his mother, “Who” am I?””The angel of the Lord came down and laid his handupon me. You’re the Son of God,” was Mary’s reply.Overhearing this, Joseph intoned, “He damn wellbetter be.”I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the otherday and I noticed that it had a bumper sticker that read “Honkif you love Jesus.” So I thought about it a bit and since I lovedJesus, I honked my horn. I was very surprised when the driverof the car got out and yelled, “The light is still red youasshole!,” got back in the car and drove off through the light whichhad just turned green.Jesus and two of his disciples are out fishing in aboat. Jesus says, “Oh, I forgot my fishing pole. I’ll be rightback.”As Jesus goes to step off the boat the disciplesstart becoming excited because they are going to see their Lord walkon water. You can imagine their surprise when Jesus steps offthe boat and starts to sink!The disciples quickly grab him from the water andask, “Lord! What happened?”Jesus replied, “Damn. I should have known better. The last time I tried that I didn’t have these holes in my feet.”Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity andnationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome,scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, theyoffered their evidence.THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH1 – He went into his father’s business2 – He lived at home until the age of 333 – He was sure his mother was a virgin, and hismother sure he was GodTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH1 – He never got married2 – He never held a steady job3 – His last request was a drinkTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN1 – He talked with his hands2 – He had wine with every meal3 – He worked in the builidng tradesTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN1 – He never cut his hair2 – He walked around barefoot3 – He invented a new religionTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:1. His first name was Jesus2. He was bilingual3. He was always being harassed by the authoritiesTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK1. He called everybody “brother”2. He liked Gospel3. He couldn’t get a fair trialTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice whenthere was no food2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunchof men who JUSTDIDN’T GET IT3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up becausethere was more workfor him to do.After having revived, Jesus began his trip aroundthe world again.But this time, No one knew that he was Jesus who hadonce died on thecross.One day, Jesus saw an very old gatekeeper while hewas passing by a big luxurious house. The gatekeeper seemed to bevery tired and sad, so Jesus accosted him.”Hello mister, you look so tired. Isn’t it hard tokeep going on working at your age”, asked jesus?””No, This is much easier than the one I used to dowhen I was young.”,the old gatekeeper replied with a sigh.”Oh, then what was your job before?”, Jesus askedthe poor man again.”Young man, I was a carpenter before.”The old gatekeeper’s reply reminded Jesus of hishuman father Joseph.”You were a carpenter?””Yes, youngman, and so is my son.””Oh, you have a son? but Why doesn’t your son servehis old father?Does he still let you work like this? You look soweek and tired.””No young man, my son is not living with me now. Hewas a carpenterlike me, and a good boy, but he used to spend most ofhis timetraveling around many places. Long time ago, he lefthome for histrip, and not returned yet. I’m still waiting for himnow.”Suddenly Jesus got an Idea that the old gatekeepermight be his human father Joseph. So he kept asking; “But, mister,are you sure that your son is still alive?””Well, young man, I don’t know. People tell me thathe is dead longtime ago, and some guys even told me that they hadseen my son’sdeath, but I’d like to believe that he is still alive.He was a veryunique child.”Jesus couldn’t stop tears dropping from his eyeswhile listening theold gatekeeper’s story. He wanted to call the oldman’father!” but Tomake sure he gaved the old gatekeeper the lastquestion.”But mister, Long time has passed. Though your sonis still aliveHow can you recognize your son. He must be muchchanged now.””Don’t worry young man, I can recognize him. He muststill have bigNail-marks on his palms.At the moment, Jesus burst into tears and gave theold gatekeeper abig hug in strong emotion, and say out loud, “OH,father, your son is still alive! This is him! I’m your son!”Then, the old man was very surprised and said, “OHmy God! Are you really my son? Oh my son, PINOCCHIO!! “This old lady was in church as she has been foryears withoutmissing a single day. With the age and her sicknessand theabandonment of her family, her current life wasnothing but misery and she was having doubts about her faith as she talksto Jesus up on the cross. “Jesus why do I have to doubt? All what it’shappening to me isbad. I am poor, I am sick and my family does not loveme. My life is a mess. Why do I have to believe in you? I needproof, then I would be a believer for the rest of my life. If youare real why don’t you say something to me or at least why don’tyou move so I can see that you are real.”The old lady goes on and on and kept asking to Jesusfor proof. Finally when she is about to go and continue with hermiserablelife Jesus decided to give her the desired proof ofhis tangibleexistence and decided to talk to the old lady andsays, “Oh my dear I know you are in anguish and that you suffer butyes here is the proof that I am real.” Jesus talked to her! The old lady almost faint andsaid to Jesus,”Thank you Jesus, now I believe in you and wouldbelieve forever”, and proceeds to leave the church.Next day the old lady start all over again and shelooks at Jesus and asked him, “Jesus why do I have to doubt? Whydon’t you give me a real proof that you are real. Yesterday when youtalked to me I could not believe it because now day with the advancesin technology I suspect that the priest was the one that play atrick on me and talked on a hidden microphone pretending it was you. Ineed real proof.”The old lady kept on and on and when she was aboutto leave Jesus decided to give the poor old lady her proof and rightin front of her eyes he moved his head and told her, “Oh my dear, Idon’t blame you for being suspicious. I also don’t trust the priest.”The old lady goes home happy as ever, convinced thatJesus hadtalked to her and very much a believer decided to telleveryone herstory. Of course nobody paid much attention to her andeveryone toldher that she had been taken and probably the priestwas the one behindthe trick.Next day there was the lady again and with moreemphasis shestarted to demand a real proof from Jesus. She keptgoing and goingand when she was about to leave completelydiscouraged, Jesus decidedto give her another show of his mighty powers.”Oh my dear, I don’t blame you for doubting but thishas beentwice I have given you proof that I am real, what elseI can do toprove myself to you?”The lady started examining him very suspicious ofanything shesees and hears and tells him, “Jesus if you are realand powerful why don’t you take the nails from one hand and moveyour arm? That way I will be sure that this is not another trick fromthe priest.” The lady goes on and on saying that would be proofenough for her and she would believe forever and ever until Jesussays to her, “Well dear, I’ll do what you asked and more for I cannotloose you as a believer, and proceeds to blow with his mouth on hisright hand making the nails to disappear and he moved his arm.”See my dear I am real and now are you going tobelieve in me?”The old lady says to Jesus after a long timeexamining him over and over. “Why don’t you do that with your other handand thenmove it, then I would believe in you for sure.”Jesus looked at her and said, “Well my dear, onlyfor you, and started to blow his breath from his mouth and thenails came off and he moves his arm and let go a loud exclamation, “FUUUUUCK!I’M FALLING!”Modernised Birth Of Jesus (or “If Jesus were born thisyear”)And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem withMary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And shebrought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laidhim in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn.And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, “Ibring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Saviour,which is Christ the Lord.””There’s a problem with the angel,” said a Phariseewho happened to be strolling by. As he explained toJoseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and thestable was on public property where such symbols were not allowedto land or even hover.”And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks tome very much like a Nativity scene,” he said sadly. “That’s ano-no, too.” Joseph had a bright idea. “What if I put acouple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?” he said,eager to avoid sectarian strife.”That would definitely help,” said the Pharisee, whoknew as well as anyone that whenever a saviour appeared,judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deeror woodland creatures of some sort. “Just to clinch it,throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too,”he said.”No court can resist that.”Mary asked, “What does my son’s birth have to dowith snowmen?””Snowpersons,” cried a young woman, changing thesubject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the sideof the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene.Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered andworn in the picture. “Artistic license,” he said. “I’ve got toshow the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaringsociety inwinter,” he quipped. “We’re not haggard or homeless.The inn was just full,” said Mary. “Whatever,” said the painter.Two women began to argue fiercely. One said sheobjected to Jesus’ birth “because it privileged motherhood.” Theother scoffed at virgin births, but said that if theyencouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rightsof single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. “I’m not asingle mother,” Mary started to say, but she was cut off by athirdwoman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a formof childabuse, since they restrict the natural movement ofbabies.With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trainedto spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph werepushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking outover how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonalsprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant’sunfortunate religious character.An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants,who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as afairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands withJesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping aroundlike a sports mascot.”I’d hold off on the reindeer,” the man said,explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops forNativity scenes carries the subliminal message of humandominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger birthsas invasionsof animal space, the other arguing that stables are”penned environments” where animals are incarcerated againsttheir will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.Signs declaring “Free the Bethlehem 2” began toappear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone saidthe halo on Jesus’ head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. “Andwhat about you, old mother?” she said sharply to an elderly woman.”Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excludedspecies, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us withour Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skippedpatriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddessreligion?””None of the above,” said the woman, “I just wantedto tell you that the Magi are here.” Sure enough, the three wisemen rode up. The crowd gasped, “They’re all male!” And “Not verymulticultural!” “Balthasar here is black,” said one of the Magi. “Yes,but how many of you are gay or disabled?” someone shouted. Acommittee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-personamong the halt and lame of Bethlehem.A calm voice said, “Be of good cheer, Mary, you havedone well and your son will change the world.” At last, a saneperson, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face.The woman spoke again: “There is one thing, though. Religious holidaysare important, but can’t we learn to celebrate them in ways thatunite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about’Gloria in excelsis Deo,’ why not just ‘Season’s Greetings’?”Mary said, “You mean my son has entered humanhistory to deliver themessage, ‘Hello, it’s winter’?” “That’s harsh, Mary,”said the woman.”Remember, your son could make it big in midwinterfestivals, if he doesn’t push the religion thing too far. Centuriesfrom now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other priceygifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That’s not choppedliver.””Let me get back to you,” Mary said.